


My Salvation Is...

by LadyOfTheOldWorld



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Apparently I can't write anything about Juuzou without Hotaru in it, Asexual Suzuya Juuzou, Bipolar I Disorder with Psychotic Features, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Gen, Genderfluid Suzuya Juuzou, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, POV Second Person, Past Child Abuse, Past Torture, Present Tense, Sorry Not Sorry, The rating and warnings are because I'm paranoid, implied eating disorder, this is so long i'm sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-17
Updated: 2017-09-17
Packaged: 2018-12-30 20:25:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12116583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyOfTheOldWorld/pseuds/LadyOfTheOldWorld
Summary: Following the end of the auction infiltration and raid, Juuzou thinks back on his life and the things that brought him to this point.





	My Salvation Is...

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Hamliet](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hamliet/gifts).



> For Hamliet, as per usual. Not sure what else to say, other than this should be pretty self explanatory... I also blatantly borrow from my own other works. Hope you guys enjoy this monster one-shot. Edited 11/05/2017 to clean up spelling and syntax errors.

For as far back as your memories stretch, all you can recall is pain and suffering. Even your earliest memories are infected with it. Pain, and Mama – or, as other ghouls call her, Big Madam. As you grow, you are taught that morals and emotions are useless, only hindrances that you don’t need. Your first memories are of the cement cell you live in, of the iron bars that separate you from the hallway. Of the fact that you are never really alone, but that no-one is ever truly with you, either. No-one except Mama. When you are good – when you’ve earned enough Good Boy Points – Mama will praise you while hurting you. When you are bad – and this is often enough, since Mama’s moods are mercurial at best – Mama will hurt you even more, and is angry for days at a time. Called Rei at the time, you learn early on that you will be hurt no matter what you do, and so keeping Mama happy is key, no matter what that means.

The first time you kill, you’re sick for three days and have nightmares, but slowly it stops mattering to you. The faces blur, the screams become normal, the feeling of a blood-slick knife in your hand becomes better than having Mama angry at you. Time has no meaning in that blood-stained cell; you measure how long something takes to happen by the things that Mama requires of you. You would be sometimes fed when Mama wanted you to fight – mostly against the "meals" for the Ghoul Restaurant, as any good Scrapper would do – but not always. Mama would clean you up whenever you needed to fight, or if she wanted to "play" with you. Playing meant being dressed up and having Mama put make-up on you. Playing meant letting Mama touch you however she wanted, even if you didn’t want or like it. Playing meant being Rei. Rei is Mama’s pretty little girl. Rei is Mama’s wonderful little pet. Rei is Mama’s favorite doll to dress up and parade around for her friends.

But then you start to grow up, so Big Madam takes matters into her own hands. When you are perhaps seven, Mama uses a hammer to make you a girl forever, crushing and removing anything makes you appear outwardly male. It doesn’t change much, if it truly changes anything at all. It’s around then that pain stops meaning anything to you, when you stop being able to feel even the most intense of sensations. Perhaps you should worry about it, but it doesn’t really mean anything to you, so you don’t. You keep fighting for Mama, keep being her perfect pet, keep killing without feeling anything. Time passes the way it always does – soaked in blood, whether yours or that of whomever you had to kill that day, week, month, year. It’s on a day like any other, that the CCG raid Big Madam’s estate. It’s during a kill like any other, that everything changes. It’s while covered in blood like any other day, that you first meet Shinohara “Indomitable” Yukinori.

You don’t know him then, you don’t know his moniker, his name, or anything else about him. You don’t know how much he will come to mean to you, but you smile at him anyway. You keep on smiling, as he orders that you not be harmed, as he makes aloud the realization that you’re " _just a child_." You’ve never heard yourself described that way before, and it makes you laugh, something that apparently disconcerts everyone at the scene but him. Later, when your fate is being decided, he vouches for you, even if he doesn’t know you yet. He says you are a victim, not a lost cause, and that they should give you a chance. (You don’t learn this until later, but when you do, it makes something warm that you can’t identify well up inside of you; it isn’t until long after that, that you come to understand what it is.) You are sent for a medical exam that makes the doctors whisper outside your room, until one is sent to ask you what happened to your body.

The doctor calls you a girl, and something in you snaps. You don’t know why – Rei had always been called a girl, but _you aren’t Rei_ – but you lash out, clawing at his face. You are put in restraints until Shinohara arrives and orders them to let you go. Then they ~~interrogate~~ interview you. When you say you worked for the Ghoul Restaurant, the ~~interrogators~~ interviewers are horrified. When you say that you killed people and then laughed about it, they are terrified. Laughing about it had earned you and Rei Good Boy Points with Mama. Here, everyone treats you like a freak – everyone except Shinohara, who visits you almost every day. Given your surprisingly quick healing and almost baffling endurance, you’re released quickly. You start attending the CCG’s Junior Academy when you’re sixteen. There, you meet Yasuhisa Kurona and Nashiro, but you’re never friends; you just know about them, and have spoken a few times. Just like everyone else there, they willingly believe that you were the one to kill the cat, to mutilate the other animals.

You know you weren’t, you even know who it really was, but what does it matter? Only one person would possibly believe you, and you haven’t seen him since you were released from the hospital. Three years of being treated like a freak, of being called a psychopath, don’t make a difference, not really. Three years of learning to use your thread and needle as a form of self-expression make things both worse and better. It’s just three years, and after your childhood and adolescence with Mama… it doesn’t even manage to register as mattering. Still, you grow seemingly more violent by the day, ignoring the moments of disinterest with everything scattered in between. You’re nineteen, when Chairman Washuu Tsuneyoshi selects you as a Rank III Ghoul Investigator. You find yourself face-to-face with Shinohara Yukinori once more, for the first time since you saw him the day you were discharged. He informs you that you’ve been given a new family registry, and that you can choose your own name.

Why you choose Juuzou, you aren’t sure. Perhaps it’s because it reminds you of what could be called the "good" parts of your childhood – of learning how to fight, of being useful to someone. Perhaps it’s because you like what the number (since it can be read as 13) represents – death and change, in most every culture outside of Asia. Whatever the reason, you become legally Suzuya Juuzou, and that’s when things start to change. Soon after you and Shinohara officially become partners, he gives you your first quinque, even though you’re somewhat disappointed at how small the knife is. Honestly, you don’t really mind the size of the knife – a blade is a blade, after all – and your reaction is to hide how odd it feels to have someone remember, let alone _acknowledge_ , something you enjoy. Days, weeks, months pass; things start to get interesting when you briefly "meet" and subsequently pick-pocket one Kaneki Ken, soon after you and Shinohara are assigned to the 20th Ward.

Apologizing is easy, especially when you don’t mean it, though you never mean it. It’s always just a means to an end, just words to be thrown out like any others, which is probably why you never really apologize in the first place. Some would call your logic circular or fractured, but you really don’t care. After leaving Kaneki to panic, rifling through his wallet is done with the same amount of uncaring nonchalance, though your stupid bangs hinder the process somewhat – maybe you should wear the hairpins Shinohara bought you more often… Three thousand measly yen is annoying, since you’d been hoping to buy some sweets, but the annoyance is quickly brushed aside with the acknowledgement that you should have talked Shinohara into giving you some pocket money after all. Your moment of being annoyed and sulky is quickly turned around, however, when you find ghouls just waiting to prey on you. Adrenaline and endorphins flood your system, and manic glee makes you giggle.

Weak and unsuspecting as the ghouls are, they quickly become _your_ prey instead, their begging music to your ears. Slicing them to pieces is wonderfully amusing, though a bit boring, since they are quite weak and don’t put up any sort of a fight. Really, you got more of a challenge when killing humans for Mama and the Restaurant; at least they fought back. Most weak ghouls, you’ve come to realize, just end up begging when faced with someone stronger that intends to kill them. As enjoyable as it is, the enjoyment quickly fades, leaving you annoyed and somewhat sulky once more. Knife stained with blood and your suit jacket in much the same condition, you return to your wanderings, unconcerned with your appearance or the mutilated corpses you left behind. You’re a Ghoul Investigator, after all, so it’s only your job. The police officer that apprehends you, however, doesn’t seem to see it that way. He doesn’t believe that you’re part of the CCG, or even that you’re male, either.

It’s really the last one that makes your blood boil and your ire rise. What does it matter that you’re tiny? You’re fast, and deadly, and ghouls and humans alike quickly learn not to underestimate you – not that they ever get the chance to make the same mistake twice, of course. The bumbling officer, who reminds you quite a lot of a pig, ends up calling Shinohara to verify your claims, despite the fact that you don’t see the point. By the time Shinohara arrives to collect you, your annoyance and ire have risen to the point that all you can think about is hurting this damned fool. The way Shinohara talks, though – scolding you, telling the piggy officer that he was in the right – makes something else build inside of you. You don’t know what it is, but it reminds you of the pain you haven’t been able to feel for years now, and it just makes you all the more angry. The officer’s comments about how you should be more suitable, be different, be _better_ just shove you over the edge from angry to furious.

He even seems to be ignoring Shinohara’s attempts to smooth things over, and that’s just the rotten cherry on top, isn’t it? You’ve never seen the point in reigning in your anger, not at times like this and in spite of what anyone said, so when you snap, it’s probably only a surprise to the policeman and the guy that came with Shinohara (Amon Koutarou?). You've seen men like this officer before, dozens of them. All cowards in the end, stupid ignorant beasts who can't believe what's right in front of them. His face blurs in front of you, mixing with so many other faces, and you lunge at him. You can almost hear the same cheers, the same taunts – The way the pig-officer screams in agony when you suck out his cochlea makes you feel somewhat better. It tastes salty in your mouth, and you feel a vicious sort of vindication when you crunch down and then spit it out onto the floor. Rotten, just the way you expected, and you don’t hesitate to tell the fool so.

Strong arms wrap around you to hold you in place, and despite the commotion you make about how it hurts – it’s really just because it _doesn’t_. Obviously because you can’t feel pain, but more than that, you can feel that Shinohara’s intent is simply to restrain you, not to hurt you, and it’s still something you don’t know how to quantify. So you don’t. You turn your attention to the other investigator that came with Shinohara, questioning him with a grin if he’s Amon, as you thought. Even when Shinohara lets you go, you keep grinning up at Amon as you introduce yourself, left arm curled behind your back and right raised in a salute, and _gosh, Amon, you’re tall, aren’t you_? Of course, the moment doesn’t last, and soon Shinohara’s dragging you outside as he lectures you about how you should never hurt civilians, and how it’s your job as part of the CCG to _protect_ those that can’t protect themselves.

None of it makes sense to you, and you flatly tell him so, wondering if Shinohara considered that idiot a friend or something. Once again, the feeling of something you have no idea how to put a finger on wells up within you, and you find the truth spilling out of you in response. It’s odd, really; what is it about Shinohara that makes you want to make him understand? What is it about him that wakes things inside of you that you don’t know how to name? You don’t know, and maybe that comes out in the usual rush of words that you seem to have for everything, maybe it doesn’t. But, either way, he looks at you with understanding and compassion – not that you know what those are, at the time – and not like you’re a monster. Not like everyone else, who always looked at you with _those eyes_ – like the people at the Academy, judging you, hating you, shunning you, even though they were no better. Even when they were all just as messed up as you were, they all still had the nerve, the gall to look at you like that, like they were so much more fucking perfect than you.

It made you want to kill them, to make them scream, to make them bleed, and it still dos. Rather than get angry at you the way you expected him to – wouldn’t that be the way someone "normal" ~~should~~ would react, when learning that someone wants to kill people? – Shinohara tells you that from now on, you should take out all your anger on him. Eyes wide, you don’t know how you’re supposed to react, staring up at him and looking just as lost as you suddenly feel. All you can do is agree, even though you have no idea what this is going to mean for the future. (Surprisingly, as time moves forward, your outbursts become less and less violent, though you still have no idea _why_ this happens.) Getting to know Amon is certainly interesting, as you discover some days later at the meeting in the 20th Ward Headquarters. Almost literally, the first thing the tall Rank I Investigator does upon finding you in the meeting room, is berate you about your attire.

It throws you completely off kilter for a moment, your snacks going flying everywhere, and for the first time, you don’t actually have a response lined up immediately. Your moment of wordlessness ends when Amon expresses a desire to know about your body stitching, and regardless of whether he’s actually interested or simply adding it as another thing that you need to _fix_ , you don’t care. You’re back on your mental footing, and maybe you also want to freak him out just a bit, in retaliation for yelling at you and making you waste your sweets. You don’t care if he wants to see it or not, of course, and ever-so-gleefully dig out your needle and thread from your shoulder bag. In the end, though, the flower you stitched as a demonstration doesn’t really fit your mood, so you rip it out, half out of disinterest and half to scare Amon even further. Then Seidou arrives, and your good mood, vindictive though it was, sours immediately.

Once again, there’s no pleasing this idiot, but your annoyance ratchets up to fury the moment he steals and throws away the one snack you managed to salvage from Amon’s tirade earlier. Punching him seems like an acceptable response, since he’ll be fine and Shinohara wasn’t there to deal with it. You can’t help but snicker, when Shinohara assumes Seidou was being a pervert, when he sees the blood coming out of his nose. Usually, meetings are boring, but this one actually manages to catch your interest. The Binge Eater hasn’t been very active, but apparently the Gourmet has been, which piques your interest because you might get a chance to fight, even if your target of the Binge Eater does disappear again. That thought process leads you to complaining about your current "piece of scrap" quinque. Even though you’ve been pilfering more to add to it, it still annoys you that you don’t have a “real” quinque, yet.

Predictably, however, Shinohara’s response is that your current weapon is "perfectly suited" to deal with the kagune type that the Binge Eater has, which is apparently the end of the discussion. (You do end up with the last word, though, reminding Shinohara that he promised you a "real" quinque if you manage to kill the Binge Eater.) The next thing worthy of note to you, as most of the mundane things in life usually aren’t, happens about a week later. You and Shinohra find yourselves at a crime scene regarding a few dismembered ghoul corpses. Shinohara speaks with the police officers briefly, while you loiter nearby. As per usual, you aren’t paying attention; if they don’t have to do with the Binge Eater or the Gourmet, then you don’t care. Then Shinohara calls you over to look at the corpses, a bit away from the mundane police, and though it annoys you, you do as asked without too much complaint. Shinohara explains that the corpses were cut into roughly two hundred parts, and that the way they were handled suggests a great deal of skill on the part of whomever did it, signifying that the attacker used their weapon regularly and well.

You don’t care, but you’ve learned by now that Shinohara doesn’t appreciate it when you say it aloud, and something about his disapproval makes you feel uncomfortable. Of course, you realize where he’s going with his words at about the same moment that he reveals that he knows you were the one to kill the ghouls. He goes on to explain that during your "whack-a-mole" operation in the 24th Ward, he’d gotten such a good view of your skill with a blade and how you handled it that it made him sick. But then he goes into lecture mode, and you find him drilling you about the Ghoul Countermeasures Law. As you expected, but seems to disappoint him, his questions are ones you all answer wrongly; it makes you feel even more uncomfortable, even though you still don’t know _why_. Apparently, Article 13 is about the capture or extermination of ghouls, and how investigators should go about both tasks. Shinohara explains clause one, but stresses clause two – that you should _never_ cause unnecessary pain to a ghoul.

It confuses you, and makes no sense, but before you can say as much, Shinohara informs you that if you keep ripping the ghouls to pieces, you’ll never get a "real" quinque. Flabbergasted, you demand to know why, which prompts an explanation as to the fact that quinque are made from a ghoul’s kagune, and that one must pursue only until the kagune has been revealed. Irritated and sulky, you point out that you still have no idea where it even comes from, so you can’t exactly comply with that. This turns out to be something that annoys you even further, as it prompts Shinohara into a _real_ lecture about ghouls, but you listen anyway. You may hate studying, but if this helps you in the field, then you suppose that listening couldn’t hurt anything other than your pride… You find out quickly that your pride isn’t going to smart, since Shinohara explains things in a way that you can understand, and is willing to answer your questions without talking down to you.

It makes the uncomfortable feeling from before ease somewhat, along with your mood. All the information is hard to process, but your questions get answers no matter what, and when you mention that some things don’t make sense, he explains it differently, using easy-to-follow metaphors that help clear things up. For once, you come to see why he was such a good instructor at the academy, and wonder what it would have been like to learn from him there. Then you shake off the thoughts, since they aren’t useful and will probably just annoy you later. Not that you really would have had much time to think about them, anyway; the mission to exterminate Aoigiri in the 11th Ward takes your attention quickly after that. It starts out with the commander of the 11th Ward’s Special Countermeasures Unit visiting the 20th Ward, someone you are told explicitly not to snap at, and it honestly all goes to Hell from there.

You don’t know what to make of Marude Itsuki at first – aside from being amused when Shinohara calls him "Maru-chan" – but you quickly find him annoying and rude when he speaks directly to you, immediately making the assumption that you’re a girl. As has become routine by now, Shinohara steps in to try and smooth things over quickly, but Marude must have an incredibly thick skull, or just not care about being rude to people. Either way, it intensifies your annoyance up past tolerable quickly. The surprise on both Shinohara and Amon’s faces when you don’t immediately go off the rails, however, is worth planning this out a bit more; or so you tell yourself. It’s the way you rationalize the weird warm feeling when Shinohara’s surprise turns to pride for just a moment, before Marude continues speaking as if nothing had happened. Later, as Shinohara and Amon discuss the task-force the three of you have been assigned to, you ditch quickly and find yourself on the roof.

Hopping up onto the railing, you gaze up at the sky, balancing on one foot carelessly. The prickle of anticipation burns under your skin, making your stitches and scars itch, compounded by the sound of the bell you keep with you almost always. It makes you think of the cell, of Mama, of _Rei_ , and you talk to her as you tend to do when you’re alone, commenting that there a lot of ghouls in the 11th Ward, too, and that you need to be a good boy. Even if Mama is a ghoul, even if you work for the CCG now, you still want to make her proud, and killing is the way to do that. It’s not a compulsion that you understand, but a conditioned response is something hard to break, especially when you see no reason to. (You’ll come to find later that you don’t want to please Mama, but someone else you haven’t realized you care about yet.) Time is a strange thing to think about, when you measure your life by things that interest you, but it’s never bothered you, so it seems both surprisingly quickly and inordinately long until the mission to infiltrate the 11th Ward comes around.

It starts out so boring that you almost wonder why you showed up, aside from the fact that you didn’t have a choice. The enemy has you pinned down via a sniper, and you’re getting more annoyed and sliding into a sulky mood more and more by the second. The information that your Scorpion will be effective picks you up a bit, but not by much, and as usual you just ignore any of Shinohara’s comments about how you should be careful or the possibility of getting killed. You’re more interested in Amon’s quinque, and the possibility that he might lend it to you, even when he refuses. Spotting a motorcycle flips your focus around completely, and a plan that’ll be both effective and revenge forms in your mind, when you learn that it belongs to Marude who rode it there to brag about it. Stealing a submachine gun with quinque bullets is easy, and stealing the key to the bike is even easier. Getting to see Marude freak out and cry is just a cherry on top of the fact that your plan goes off without a hitch.

Driving the bike into the sniper’s nest gets the adrenaline pounding in your ears in time with your heartbeat, and the thrill of killing all the ghouls just makes you giggle shrilly with maniacal glee. With the heady feeling you always get when you’re fighting pumping through your veins and making everything wonderful, stopping now isn’t an option. Killing your way through the Aoigiri foot soldiers is fun, but disappointing in how quickly they die. You want a real quinque, though Scorpion is alright, and you’re damn well going to find the strongest ghoul you can to have yours made from, no matter what Shinohara says. Finding the one they call Jason in a deplorable state is just good luck, and killing him serves as both an act of mercy and a way to get the strongest quinque you can, though you don’t think about the former at all. You’re too busy being elated by the thrill of fighting someone said to be the demon of the 13th Ward.

And _oh_ , what a gloriously thrilling fight he puts up, even being half dead. He doesn’t die nearly as quickly as the other ghouls you’ve killed, and it makes the heady feeling in your veins even stronger. Now, you just need to get him out of here... if you could find his kakuhou, it would be easier, but whatever. It doesn’t matter. All that matters to you is that he will be your quinque. Getting out is, surprisingly, easier than getting in, despite all the fighting going on. Ending up on a roof gives you an opportunity to take a break, which you do, settling on a railing and watching the fighting. A member of Aogiri shows up, but doesn’t seem to care about you, so you just grin at them until they leave. None of your concern, anyway; it’d just be annoying to have to deal with fighting someone else and keeping any eye on what’s going on below. So, whatever, you’ll let this one go. The mopping up can be done without you, once the fighting winds down, and no-one would try to force you anyway, so you focus on getting Jason’s corpse back to the front of the building.

You leave Jason with the group of lab techs that came with, since they know how to harvest kakuhou better than you ever would, and endure the probing of the medics. The operation wraps up soon enough, and it’s back to headquarters for debriefing for everyone. For the CCG at large, the next six months are tense, but quiet. For you yourself, however, they’re a period of grueling study, one you quickly find yourself in over your head with. Unexpectedly, Shinohara shows up with doughnuts, and it turns out that he’s more than willing to help you. He teaches you word games to make memorization easier, and once again you’re struck by wondering what it would have been like to learn from him at the academy. Treating those thoughts the same way you did the first time, you did your best to focus on everything he was helping you learn, both out of a desire to finally be allowed a "real" quinque…

And because you feel something warm in your chest, whenever he looks at you with something like pride in his expression, even though realizing this makes you uncomfortable enough that you shove it away as well. In the end, all his help pays off, and you pass the exams to be promoted to Rank II; when Shinohara ruffles your hair and laughs proudly, you feel that same strange warmth again. The promotion ceremony is long and dull and annoying, and hearing the way people whisper about you when you’re called on makes anger simmer in your blood, but you keep it together. You just have to tell yourself you don’t care, even if it isn’t true. The only thing you really care about at the reception is the food (some part of you wonders when the last time you ate was, but you ignore it because you don’t care), and spent some time talking to Amon about the Binge Eater care. Not that you know much, but whatever; it passes the time.

Shinohara arrives, and he and Amon talk, while you look over the food. Just as you decide what you want – you’ve always wanted to try the noodle dish with the red sauce – Shinohara mentions that your quinque, the one made from Jason, is ready and that he’ll take you to get it next week. Glee makes you giddy, almost to the point that you forget about food entirely, and you can’t help but wonder aloud what to name it. You’re so busy being happy, you don’t even care that you’ll need to deal with work without Shinohara today. Then, something truly interesting happens, when Arima Kishou comes over to speak with you and Amon. (Hirako Take is with him, but you couldn’t care less.) Amon forces you to bow along with him, but Arima says you shouldn’t worry about formality. This encourages you to talk to him, and it surprises you that all you see in his eyes is admiration. He says that he will be cheering for you to reach Rank I soon, and it makes you grin in response.

Arima reminds you of Shinohara, in some ways, the most notable being that he treats you like a person, and you come to find that you might consider him a friend in return. Apparently, the fact that you know Arima surprises Amon, and maybe you take a bit of vindictive glee in mentioning that he was with you and Shinohara while you played "whack-a-mole" in the underground 24th Ward. The truth is, though, you do consider Arima a friend, even if you don’t say it. Amon mentions that he’ll be heading home, and asks if you’ll be fine on your own. You wave him off; you’ll just head west, it’ll be fine. He seems distant, but you don’t care why; you’ll probably leave soon, too, since food doesn’t keep your interest long when everyone around seems to want to whisper about you. You abandon your plate half eaten, suddenly not as interested as you had been. Work is better than this, even if it’ll be boring and dull.

It will also be nice to get out of this stuffy dress uniform, but that’s just a bonus. By Monday, Seidou’s already buzzing with praise for Amon, and you demand that he congratulate you, too, jut to push his buttons. You don’t give a damn if he congratulates you or not; just being the same rank as he is makes you grin. Now he can’t lord it over you so much, the bastard. Shinohara congratulates everyone because that’s just his way, before introducing a new member of the team. Mado Akira is someone you decide you like right way for two reasons. Firstly, she’s pretty but seems to be no-nonsense, and secondly, she seems rub Seidou the wrong way just by breathing the same air that he does. Because, really, anyone that Seidou doesn’t like is _automatically_ someone you want to get to know. However, what really cements the decision that you want her as a friend is the way she looks at you – the way that Shinohara and Arima do.

She looks at you like you’re a human being, like you have worth, and it immediately endears her to you as much as anyone can be endeared to you. When she compliments your stitches, and genuinely seems to mean it, it’s just a cherry on top. As per usual with briefing meetings, you tune out most things said. You already know what’s going on with the Binge Eater case, well some of it, and actually listening to Seidou would put you to sleep faster than fighting for an entire day. Still, it piques your interest in a vicious sort of way when Akira cuts in on Seidou’s monologue. Honestly, you can’t follow a word she’s saying – it all kind of makes your head hurt – but the way she’s shutting down Seidou is admirable. She may be giving you a headache, but damn, do you really want to be Mado Akira’s friend now. When you learn how to the point she is, doing away with politeness for the sake of efficiency and not caring about honorific language, you like her even more.

By Wednesday, she’s got Amon running in circles after her, and you just find it amusing beyond words. Time for him and Seidou to get shaken up a bit, and since you can just watch it happen, it’s no skin off your nose, as the saying goes. It might be vindictive, but you really don’t care. Then Shinohara lets you know it’s time to get your quinque, and you suddenly don’t care about anyone or anything else. Dr. Chigyou is interesting enough, you suppose, but anything that keeps you from getting your quinque as quickly as possible annoys you. He comments on how young you seem, but it doesn’t feel malicious, which is just odd in and of itself for you to realize. In any event, he says that he hopes you like how your quinque turned out, and that he more-or-less followed the specs you gave him. The discussion meanders along, and apparently your questions make it apparent that you didn’t attend the academy, but once again, the doctor catches you off guard by not being malicious about it.

Of course, then he keeps going on about how quinque and kagune work, their differences, how kagune are formed, and everything just loses you eventually, so you quickly tune it all out. Not like it matters to you, anyway. But then he finally shows you your quinque, and you can’t help but gasp in delighted glee. Chigyou calls it a monster and a beauty in the same sentence, and you find that it suits you perfectly. After all, in your childhood you were called a beauty as Rei, while now you’ve been called a monster as Juuzou. It’s only fitting that your quinque would be a beautiful monster, just like you. Testing it out fills you with more elated glee, even though it makes Shinohara and Chigyou despair somewhat. You name your beloved scythe Jason, and can’t help but giggle when you hear the two men speculate that you’ll come to be known as the CCG’s own Jason, with a weapon like yours. The thought of it fills you with a heady anticipation.

Unfortunately, much to your annoyance and impatience, you don’t get to use Jason in combat until sometime later. You and Shinohara continue to work the Binge Eater case, but keep coming up empty handed, and it irritates you to no end. And then, suddenly, there comes a breakthrough. You recall Kaneki Ken when his name comes up in the breakthrough; you recall pick-pocketing him, you recall seeing him during the raid on Aogiri, but you don’t know how or even if any of this is connected. You don’t even know if you should say anything at all, so you don’t. The investigation leads you and Shinohara to a coffee shop called Anteiku, and it turns out to be quite a nice place. While at the café, you and Shinohara continue to discuss the Binge Eater case, but food is a good distraction, so you can’t be too irritated. Then he mentions that the Binge Eater was likely a girl, which confuses you until he points out that she only ever had one "type" of victim – slender, well-dressed men.

You find yourself blinking in surprise, and though the comment that the Binge Eater could be gay sits on the tip of your tongue, you decide it doesn’t matter. He or she is probably already dead, anyway. As a joke, you offer up that the Binge Eater could be a drag queen, to which Shinohara responds that he wants to connect the Binge Eater to the girl from the Steel Beam Incident. You decide that continuing the conversation would be pointless just as Shinohara calls over a waitress, and find that your interest isn’t being allowed to wander today. After putting in orders for refills and a sandwich, Shinohara gets on with why you came here in the first place – to ask about Kaneki Ken. When you take a good look at the waitress, you note something off, and look closer. Red, slightly watery eyes, chapped lips, and a wince or two when swallowing. She catches you looking, and you point out that she recently threw up, which seems to throw her off.

Not that it’s any of your business, of course, and you don’t care, but… you do know what it looks like when someone’s recently thrown up, for whatever reason. When having a particularly bad day, you see that look in the mirror more often than not. The conversation goes quickly, and then you and Shinohara leave, with him noting that he believed you were fed something. It takes a moment to click, and you clarify that he didn’t mean the sandwiches. There was something being hidden; while he thinks it was about Kaneki Ken, you wonder if it wasn’t about the waitress, though you don’t say it. Not your business, and you don’t care, after all. Besides, you have other things to worry about, with the infiltration of Dr. Kanou’s lab to deal with in the coming days. The sight of the RC wall makes you think of the 24th Ward, and how much fun you had playing "whack-a-mole" with Shinohara and Arima there, but your mirth doesn’t last.

Of course, the fact that this is going to be so much fun makes the airy, heady feeling come back, makes your blood sing, and well, when you run off, it’s probably expected by at least Shinohara. Running into Kurona and Nashiro, however, isn’t something that you expected at all. You hadn’t been close, and you hadn’t thought anything of it when they disappeared during your time at the junior academy… this would certainly be interesting. The first thing the twins say, upon your revaluation that you recognize them, is enough to make you angry. _Rei_ , they call you. But you _aren’t_ Rei, and if it takes cutting them up into pieces to prove that, then so be it. The fact that they’re suddenly ghouls will make it fun, at least. At this point, you don’t give a damn about their "why"s; you just want to fight them. A "real" fight with a "real" quinque against "real" ghouls – it’s nothing less than what you’ve been so anxious to experience since you were made a Rank III Ghoul Investigator.

For the first time, the things that Mama made you learn, the skills that made the everyone at CCG who saw them comment you seem like you’d been trained in a circus – fitting for a freak, but still impressive – are being put to good use for real. Heady adrenaline surges through your veins, and if you knew what it meant, you might think you were drunk on mania. But then they have your back against a wall, Jason flung from your grasp; true to their claims, you’ll be the one to see your insides. What they don’t know, though, is that this isn’t the first time you’ve seen all the soft, bloody parts that are inside your own body. Whenever Mama was in a particularly bad mood, for whatever reason, cleaning yourself up took longer, and often involved seeing more of the inside of yourself than you ever wanted to. Of course, coupled with your inability to feel pain, the attack that slices you across the abdomen doesn’t have quite the affect that they intended.

Kurona and Nashiro have no idea just who they’re dealing with, but they’ll soon find out.  Anything they think they know about you will soon be proven false, even if only because they keep insisting that you’re Rei. Honestly, the wound just makes you laugh. You know what they think of you, what everyone at the junior academy thought of you. They think you were the one to kill all the animals that showed up mutilated and dead around campus. They think you’re a sociopath, empty of anything even remotely resembling human or humanity. But they’re wrong, and you’re slowly starting to see that fact. You never killed the animals, least of all the cats; dogs can be annoying, sure, but you like them well enough, and cats have always been your favorite. You may be insane, unhinged, psychotic at times, but you feel just like anyone else. Your emotions may be limited to rage, hate, glee, irritation, and apathy, but you still feel. You know how to be kind; you just don’t see the point in wasting it on most people.

You’re _far_ from what they think you are, and their warped misconceptions just make you laugh. You laugh and laugh and laugh, feeling what passes for your tenuous grip on reality slipping. Rei and Mama are whispering in your ears, but for now you ignore them. You have much more… annoying ladies to focus on. The twins come flying at you, having the gall to demand that you not think badly of them. You sink one of Scorpion into Kurona’s left eye in return, giggling shrilly as you in turn request they not think badly of you. So, Kurona thinks she’ll heal, does she? You delightedly inform them that she won’t have the time, unveiling all fifty-six of Scorpion as you do so, five in one hand and a single blade in the other. Oh, this is going to be so much fun~! Kurona will get to enjoy the bite of your Scorpion’s blades at least forty-five more times, since you know by now very well how much it takes to kill a ghoul – and how much it takes to draw out the fun.

After all, you worked hard to steal all of Scorpion; she should be _honored_ that you’ve chosen to use the majority to slice her into little pieces. Whether she is or isn’t doesn’t matter, though; she goes down just like any other ghoul would, and it makes you grin in satisfaction. On the other hand, Nashiro certainly doesn’t see things the way you do, given that she comes charging at you while screaming your "name." If you weren’t having so much fun, you would be livid that they both keep calling you Rei, but with the heady rush still filling your system, it doesn’t matter to you. Time to destroy the thing that’s most important to Kurona~! After all, you’ve always wondered what happens to one twin if the other dies. With a quick flick of one of our slipped feet as the other twin rushes you, Jason is back in your grasp, and that’s all it takes to slice Nashiro from her left shoulder to her right hip. Now, to see how Kurona reacts… hopefully it’ll be with anguish, since that would be fitting and wonderful to see.

As it turns out, Kurona’s reaction is just what you’d hoped it would be – delightfully traumatized. Lunging toward Nashiro, just as Nashiro was moments ago attempting to do for her, the two manage to just grasp hands before you slice off Nashiro’s hand and wrist. Kurona will die next, and you’re oh so very much looking forward to it. But then Kurona’s rushing away from you, running away from the fight to avenge her twin sister, and you huff in annoyance. Before you can slide into moody sulking, however, your wound reminds you of its existence, and you sigh. Oh well; you can find Kurona and kill her later. Right now, you need to stitch yourself up before your insides actually start splattering all over the floor. It’s not hard, and it’s not the first time, so you don’t think anything of it as you pull your sterilized needle and blood red thread from your pocket. You’ll need to be both quick and thorough if you want to join either of the other two fights going on, after all.

By the time you’re done, though, it looks like there’s only one fight still going on. The fact that you probably won’t get to have too much more fun annoys you, but you suppose the saying that beggars can’t be choosers applies here. You join the fight between Amon and the centipede-like ghoul, Scorpion ever useful despite how much you disliked it at first, and hope that you will get at least some fun out of this. Everyone else standing around – the other two First Class Investigators, and surprisingly Akira – is pretty useless, and you don’t hesitate to tell them so, grinning and giggling because it’s just so funny that they’re so incompetent yet still outrank you. (Maybe if you cared at all, you’d find it sad.) Then you spot Shinohara, wounded and unmoving, and something like fire sears the inside of you. You don’t know what it is, and you don’t care, so long as it helps you enjoy this fight more. Enjoy it you do, but in the end, Amon stops you from pursuing it any further, since Shinohara needs to be gotten out of there as soon as possible.

You say that it should be done later, even though most of you doesn’t mean the words. You don’t know why you don’t mean them, and that makes you angry at yourself, so you say them even if they’re a lie. Then Amon radios for a medical unit, and you have other things to focus on, mainly the fact that Amon is lecturing you about staying in the pair formation. He also assumes that you would regret it if Shinohara got hurt or dies, which makes you want to sneer at him. You wouldn’t because everyone dies, even if that feels like a lie. He demands to know if that’s your idea of a sick joke, to which you respond quite glibly that it isn’t, since you don’t care. Then he’s in your face, gripping you by your shirt collar and yanking you close. It startles you enough that for a moment you just stare, before regaining your footing enough to wonder what he wants, and to quip that he’s a pervert. Not your best comeback, but it works well enough that he drops you and walks away.

Soon after that, the medical team arrives, and the one medic who spares you a glance turns green at the fact that you stitched yourself up. It’s funny enough to distract you from the uncomfortable feeling that’s settled in your chest regarding the whole situation, at least for now. Clean up is done relatively quickly and then it’s back to the 20th Ward Headquarters for debriefing, though you wonder how that’ll go, what with your "commanding officer" in the hospital. You decide you don’t care and skip out on it altogether, heading to the tiny apartment you call "home" instead. Better to deal with being bored and alone, than being bored surrounded by people you really can’t stand just then, after all. In fact, over the next week or so, you spend most of your time out of the office. With Shinohara in the hospital, it doesn’t matter if you’re there or not, and you honestly don’t want to be. So, you spend most of your time wandering around Tokyo, a good portion of which tends to end up with you at the zoo with a sketchbook and crayons.

People call it childish, but you enjoy watching and drawing animals. It calms some of the ever-present burning in your blood, the pressure to speak and do that thrums under your skin and makes your scars and stitches itch. It’s during one of your afternoons at the zoo, switching between detailed cross-sections and less-detailed crayon drawings of giraffes, that Shinohara finds you after he’s discharged from the hospital. Shinohara’s arrival brings you out of memories of Mama, brought on by seeing a father and his child, and you once again find a strange but not uncomfortable warm feeling in your chest. You tell yourself that it was because you had just been spending time with a stray cat, but the words don’t quite ring true, and you know it couldn’t have been brought on by thinking about Mama. Shoving away the things you don’t want to think about or try to untangle, you focus on Shinohara and the things he has to say.

According to him, you’ve both been chosen to participate in another large-scale operation, this time to eliminate a certain very powerful ghoul. You can’t contain your enthusiasm at the prospect, not that you try, though he seems more focused on how either of you might die this time around. Something tightens in your chest, but you ignore it as always, saying that death is just a fact of life and that you don’t care if it happens. On the other hand, however, Shinohara says that he would be sad if you were to die before he did. The tight, uncomfortable feeling in your chest somehow intensifies and eases at the same time. He takes you to get ice cream, and that’s when he brings up the testament that you’ll have to write. He explains that it’s tradition, and that you should write thanks to your friends and colleagues. You don’t say that you don’t have friends, that you really don’t have anything you want to thank your colleagues for.

However, you also think of Akira being kind to you, of Arima fighting beside you, and of Shinohara’s own care and firm guidance toward you. Then you viciously tell yourself that it doesn’t matter. In the end, you turn the testament into a paper airplane, and sail it off of the top of a building. Whatever happens, will happen, and you’ll deal with that when it comes to pass. When the operation finally gets underway, you don’t give a damn about what squad or even division you’re assigned to. You want to fight, can feel Mama watching, can hear Rei giggling, can sense your grip on reality slipping… but you don’t care. Fighting Kurona and Nashiro was child’s play compared to this battle that you hope to be part of, and the heady feeling that you will later come know as mania fills you with even more of a desire to fight than you usually have. Dropping in on the battle with the Owl is just something you feel the need to do, and really, at least Shinohara should have been expecting it.

The fact that you’re accompanied by Ui Koori means nothing to you; you don’t know him the way you know Arima, so you don’t consider him a friend. You find out quickly, when you attack the Owl, that this won’t be the same as any of your other fights. Jason can’t cut the Owl’s armor, which you honestly find puzzling and annoying. Still, this battle has your blood singing, despite how hard it’s probably going to be to win. Even when it starts to rain you continue to fight, using everything you’d ever been taught, no matter by whom. You will win this fight, or die flying high; there’s no in between for you, and you don’t want any other outcome. Only those two possibilities interest you. You have no idea that today will be the day you discover you have a heart, and when that moment comes, you will be woefully unprepared for it. Finally you land a hit, severing the Owl’s left arm, but you don’t have the chance to celebrate before you hit the ground.

Your hairpins – the ones Shinohara bought for you – go flying the same moment you do, but you don’t take notice of that until later, when your bangs keep getting in your eyes. It doesn’t hurt, so for a moment you don’t realize it. Then Shinohara is there, and he’s crying. You don’t understand why, telling him that he should be pressing forward with the attack; the Owl’s wounded, so now they can take him down. Shinohara just stares uncomprehendingly at you, as tears stream down his face, and then you finally look down to assess the damage. Well, then. It seems you’ve lost your right leg at mid-thigh, and Shinohara’s sobbing apologies as if it’s _his_ fault that this happened to you. Through the sudden tightness in your chest, you beg him to stop crying, to get up and keep fighting. He doesn’t stop crying, but he does call for a medical team, and then he gets back up to join the fight. You don’t understand, and the tightness in your chest threatens to suffocate you.

Why was he crying? Why was he apologizing? Why did he continue to care, even when you’ve proved time and again that you don’t care in return? Most importantly, why does the sentiment that you don’t care feel like a lie? (When you eventually receive the answers to these questions, you wish with everything that you are that you hadn’t.) Shinohara, Iwa, and Ui finally take down the Owl around the time the medics stop fussing over you, which you’re thankful for; it was getting annoying only being able to watch such an epic battle. Calling out to your mentor, you wave him over to congratulate him, something that’s unusual but feels right all the same. The celebrating doesn’t last, however. The one being called the One-Eyed Owl appears, and chaos reigns for a bit longer. Iwa and Shinohara end up thrown backward, while Ui charges in, yelling over the radio for the Commander to send Arima as he does so.

And all you can do, is watch. It makes you sick. You should be fighting, too, but because of your stupid leg you can’t, and that infuriates you. Still, you intend to make your way over to where Shinohara landed, basically dragging yourself across the ground. You can’t say what drives you, only that something does. But the One-Eyed Owl won’t stand for that. He attacks Shinohara, slicing at his leg the same way that the previous Owl did at yours. Shinohara’s scream rips at something inside of you, something you don’t know how to name, but something that seems to make the world slow to a crawl for a moment. You barely hear the One-Eyed Owl commenting that you and Shinohara now match, over the thunderous beating of your own heart in your ears. You throw yourself toward Shinohara, even though you still don’t make it very far. You keep telling yourself that you don’t care, but if you don’t, then why are you doing this?

Why are you persisting? Why do you suddenly need to be by his side at all costs? If you don’t care, then why?! You come to the only conclusion that you can, in the same moment that tears fill your eyes, the same moment that the One-Eyed Own stabs Shinohara through. You realize that you have a heart in the same moment that it shatters. The scream that tears its way from somewhere deep inside of the soul you just discovered you had renders you temporarily partially deaf, as all that your mind can process is memories of you time spent by Shinohara’s side. You scream and scream and scream. You scream until your voice gives out. You cry until you feel like you could pass out from dehydration. But still the pain doesn’t go away. Suddenly, you are a child again, experiencing every single one of Mama’s torturous rewards and punishments all at once. The pain feels as if it will never end, even though some small part of you recognizes that this isn’t physical pain.

This is mental, emotional, _psychological_ pain. This is the kind of agony that you were taught never to feel, but somehow you feel it all the more. Because the first person – for a long time, the _only_ person – that treated you like a human being is dying before your eyes, and there is nothing you can do about it. In that one instant, your entire world shatters into so many shards of colored glass. Something more potent than any sort of rage or fury you’ve ever felt begins to well up within you, as you watch the One-Eyed Owl torture your mentor. With Scorpion you attack, completely uncaring that it will probably do no damage whatsoever. Using Jason as a crutch, you struggle to your feet – well, foot. You lunge at the ghoul, not at all caring that you’ll probably die in the attempt, but refusing to allow it to continue desecrating Shinohara’s body. You don’t care anymore, but not for the same reasons as before you met him. You don’t care because without Shinohara in it, your life has no meaning.

You keep flinging yourself and Jason at the One-Eyed Owl, even damaging your vocal chords more to reply that you will "never" stop when Ui orders you to stand down. It’s mid-lunge that you finally pass out, unable to move, unable to force your body any further. You wake alone in a hospital room. Everything comes rushing back – _Shinohara_! – with a bright burst of agony that has nothing to do with physical pain. Reckless, heedless, unconcerned for your own safety, you fling yourself from the bed, ripping out IVs and wires as you do so. You remember that you only have one leg now when you crash to the floor. Vision blurring with tears, you thrash around until you can get into a position to crawl toward the door. Just as you struggle to open the door, a nurse and a pair of orderlies throw it open, and then it’s them that you have to fight against. You don’t know when you start screaming again, but even with how raw your voice is, you don’t stop, can’t stop.

However, for all your strength, your body gives out on you, betrays you, and a shot is administered to sedate you. You’re still screaming for Shinohara as everything goes black again. The next time you’re conscious, though no less desperate, you’re calmer. After promising that you won’t do anything reckless, you’re settled into a wheelchair with your IV stand, and taken to see Shinohara. The fact that he's in the coma ward and technically alive doesn’t lift your spirits, even though you think it probably should have. Iwa and Iba converse in Shinohara’s room, but all you can do is stare at him silently. The two older investigators eventually leave, and you’re left alone with Shinohara. You can’t think of anything to say, not beyond an apology, and you get the feeling he wouldn’t want you to apologize. So you just stay quiet, the usual pressure to be constantly speaking suddenly gone, replaced by a cold grey fog. You don’t know how many hours you sit there, ostensibly staring at Shinohara, but really staring at nothing at all.

When Shinohara’s wife arrives, all you can think to do is get down on your remaining knee and apologize. If you had done your job the way you were supposed to, if you had listened instead of being reckless, then maybe he would still be alive. You say as much, but she just smiles kindly at you, telling you that as the wife of an investigator she was prepared for an eventuality like this. She goes on to say that Shinohara loved you as his own child. When you look up in disbelief, you find that the warmth in her eyes speaks volumes as to how she feels, as well. She doesn’t need to say it in so many words, but you can hear it in her voice, can read it in her smile – she considers you her child, too. Words don’t come, all you can do is nod, but you think she understands anyway. You and she sit in silence together for a time, and even when you feel like you’re intruding, she refuses to let you leave. Maybe it’s her own way of making you understand both the gravity of the situation, and of her forgiveness.

Whatever it is, she tells you that she will come visit again, explicitly telling you that she intends to visit both her husband and you. When she leaves, you pull yourself out of the wheelchair, and settle onto the side of Shinohara’s bed. Leaning over, you kiss his forehead the way you imagine a child would to their parent, whispering a " _goodnight_ " to him before a nurse comes to take you back to your room; apparently, you need to rest, even if you don’t sleep. As most things do, however, your situation ends up getting worse before it gets better. Amon is reported ad dead or missing, with Seidou in the same position, and Akira is shattered. You still don’t know how to express sympathy (especially since neither of them were ever particularly kind to you), but for Akira’s sake you say that you’re sorry for her loss, even if the words came out awkward and somewhat stilted. You learn soon after that you’ve been put forward for another promotion, given your fight with the Owl and that you managed to wound it.

Around that same time, you learn that you’ll be fitted for a prosthetic leg that will give you a full range of movement and act as a natural limb would, along with having the additional benefit of being a place to store Scorpion. It should be bittersweet, but you can’t make yourself feel anything. You smile and talk when Mrs. Shinohara comes to visit you, both for her sake and for the three little ones she sometimes brings along, but you’re numb. Cold and hollow, it feels like all the color has been sapped out of the world and your life. Being discharged and being placed on mandatory leave while you relearn how to function with a prosthetic just makes things worse. You haven’t seen Akira or Arima since the day of the battle in the 20th Ward. Even if Shinohara’s wife doesn’t blame you, you come to realize that you blame yourself. In that dark time, as you teeter on a cliff between mania and depression, you resolve that there is only one thing to be done.

To die with the man you had come to realize you considered a father, the man you realized far too late that meant everything to you. And yet, things don’t go according to your plan. Just as you are about to pull the trigger, some of your mentor’s words to you from an only half remembered conversation at the zoo flash in your mind. _I would be sad if you died._ The revolver clatters to the floor, and you scream in much the same way you had when Shinohara had fallen, clutching your skull and sobbing. Needing physical therapy is one thing, but needing _psychotherapy_ is quite the bitter pill to swallow. Of course, that’s the only thing you really _can_ conclude about having almost taken your own life. It doesn’t happen right away. It doesn’t happen quickly. It takes months. Months of grueling twice-weekly session, in which your therapist refuses to give you an inch without getting a mile in return. She makes you work for what she calls the "accomplishments" of coming to terms with your own mind, and you can’t help but sometimes feel like the tiny woman by the name of Tomoe Hotaru is enjoying watching your struggle for every hurdle you conquer.

And yet, those months of trying, those months of sessions, show you that to live for Shinohara is better – more _respectful_ than to die for him. Another bitter pill, this one in the literal sense of the phrase, comes in having a diagnosis applied to you. _Bipolar I disorder with psychotic features_ is what Hotaru calls it, but it basically breaks down into the fact that you are near constantly manic (an "elevated state of mood") with a tenuous grip on reality at _best_. Of course, depression isn’t out of the question for you, it just tends to show itself in different ways – mostly in the sulky, moody periods you have whenever you find something particularly irritating. It isn’t something that you know how to deal with, at first, and there are many skipped or missed doses of the medications she proscribes while you come to terms with it. But eventually, after changing medications and altering dosages more than once, things start to settle into a pattern.

It’s around that time, the end of the first year, when you’re assigned a squad of your own in the 13th Ward. Six months of physical therapy to get back on your feet and then an additional six months to get used to fighting with your prosthetic leg astound those around you, but honestly, they don’t understand. They will never understand what drives you in everything that you do. They don’t understand that you now have people to fight for, to improve for, to be a better person for. They don’t understand that Mrs. Shinohara has become like a mother to you over the past year, that she was the one to introduce you to Hotaru in the first place. They don’t understand that Shinohara’s children have become like precious younger siblings to you, who you would fight to the death to protect. They don’t understand that Hotaru has become more than just your psychiatrist, she has become your _friend_. (Hotaru was the one to introduce you to the concept of genderfluidity, which put the way you sometimes enjoyed being dressed up as Rei into perspective.)

When it comes to your squad, however, things don’t go nearly as well. Hanbee cries at the slightest provocation, Nakarai is prone to showing off, Tamaki is quite concerned with his looks, and Mikage seems to literally have his head in the clouds (or stars, as it were). Despite your rocky beginnings, however, they prove to be at least competent in combat, while meshing your personalities comes later. It’s odd at first, but you find yourself taking an interest in Hanbee, and not just because he’s your partner. As time passes, it becomes clear that while Nakarai is the Second in Command of the squad, Hanbee is your right hand in all truth. He may not be entirely competent in combat, but outside of it he is attentive in ways that you never really expected – in ways that you never experienced from another investigator aside from with Shinohara. During this time period is when you start dying your hair black, and when you discover that Hanbee is competent enough to help you with it.

It’s a year into working with your squad, and soon after your promotion to First Class Investigator, that you and your squad take on the mission to exterminate the Skull Masks gang. It may be considered cruel, but you use the investigation to test Hanbee and his abilities. You quickly conclude that he lacks confidence in both himself and in his abilities, though he is actually quite sharp when it comes to reasoning and putting together seemingly unrelated clues. Despite his lack of conviction, however, in the end he is the one to take down the leader of the group. Something warm tugs at you upon seeing Hanbee finally gain a bit of self-assurance, which prompts you to invite him to get doughnuts with you. Over the next two years, while the five of you eventually become closer as a squad, you find that you become closer to Hanbee as well. In spite of his still somewhat lacking courage, he is a capable fighter, works well with the other three, and seems to be able to anticipate your needs before you even register them yourself.

Somehow, even more than your medications (antipsychotic, mood stabilizer, antidepressant), Hanbee has come to ground you. Hanbee helps you to sort out your often chaotic thoughts, makes sense of the jumble of words that not even the antipsychotics can quite unravel. Hanbee gives you snacks, indulges your antics, is endlessly patient, and even sometimes takes care of your hair whenever you can’t be bothered to brush it out in the mornings. Hanbee cares for you, you’ve come to notice, in ways that no-one has since Shinohara, though even then it’s different. Some might call it love, but even if it isn’t, it’s warm and sweet and better than even sugar to you. Of course, even when you tell him this, you are firm on one thing: work will always come first. While off duty may be one thing, aside from those times, there will be nothing more than a close friendship between you. It doesn’t much change things, at least not within the squad.

You and Hanbee tend to show up together anyway, if simply because you have the tendency to over sleep on the rare occasions that you can/do sleep, so getting you up and functioning (making you breakfast and making sure you take your medications) is just something else that Hanbee does for you. Even outside of work, things change little. Hanbee still makes sure you eat at least something, that you take your medications, and that you just generally don’t forget appointments and meetings. You may be an Associate Special Class Investigator now, but you’re still scatterbrained. While forging bonds with your squad, you also forge one with an amnesiac half-ghoul be the name of ~~Kaneki Ken~~ Sasaki Haise. The first thing you do is return the money you stole from him, though returning everything else from his wallet would have been impossible. He becomes your friend, and while he also has snacks for you, he always seems distant.

You also do what you can to reconnect with Arima and Akira, though only the former is really willing to indulge you. The latter’s dismissal hurts in ways you don’t want to think about, though Hotaru refuses to allow you to ignore it, even if you don’t ever end up close with Akira again. In the end, only Hotaru ever knows that it more than stings to see Akira so close with Sasaki, but you suppose you can understand why she doesn’t want to be near you anymore. You represent everything that Akira lost. You represent the days where you and she and Shinohara and Amon and Seidou were happy in the 20th Ward. You represent a time where you were both still (relatively) innocent and naïve, and it wouldn’t surprise you if she wanted to forget that time and everyone that she lost. Sometimes you wish you could forget it, too, distance yourself from it. But that would mean cutting your "mother" and your "siblings" out of your life, would mean discrediting everything they and Shinohara have given you the drive to accomplish.

Hotaru says that you were the one who worked hard, but you know that without them, you would’ve died via a gunshot to the head three years ago. Eight months prior to the three-year mark since the battle in the 20th Ward, Sasaki is assigned a new and highly experimental squad known as the Quinx: four artificially created half-ghouls that the CCG intends to train in the hopes of "raising" an investigator that can surpass Arima. You know about this because Sasaki is your friend, but more importantly, you know because it surprises you when he seeks you out rather than Akira for advice on leading a squad. You do what you can to rationalize this – your squad is noted as having some of the best teamwork and some of the most flawless combat within the CCG – but never discover what his reasons were. Half a year later, you and your squad are working on the Nutcracker investigation, when the Chairman pairs Sasaki and his squad with you and yours.

The day that both squads are to be briefed on the investigation, ostensibly by you, you oversleep. In truth it’s because you only pass out around five in the morning, insomnia running wild as usual, but it works to see how Sasaki and his squad would work with yours without you as a known element. While Nakarai, Tamaki, and Mikage greet you formally and respectfully as ever, a small, warm smile is all you need from Hanbee. Then your focus shifts to Sasaki, and you greet him as indulgently and with as much over-the-top cheer as ever, running toward him to find the snacks he hides for you in his pockets. Really, it’s something like having a rather distant but caring older brother, even though you’re both the same age. Of course, you aren’t motivated entirely by the sweets he has for you; you can feel Hanbee’s eyes on you, after all. (You’ll never tell anyone, aside from perhaps Hotaru, but despite your general disinterest in more-than-platonic physical intimacy, you sometimes enjoy teasing Hanbee in a risqué way.)

That’s when Shirazu arrives carrying Saiko, and despite the momentary pandemonium, things get back on track quickly. As always, even though Nakarai is your "official" right hand, Hanbee fills that role far more efficiently (even discounting what he means to you outside of work). With the Quinx squad working with you, in theory you’ll cover twice as much ground and get twice as much information, but in practice things don’t turn out that way. You watch as the squad led by your friend seems to fall apart at the seams, but say nothing; it isn’t your place, and you and yours can always pick up the slack. Your squad is the one to find the list of "ingredients," and thus Hanbee is the one to bring it forward at the meeting; none of this sits well with you, though you would never say it. It isn’t the cooperation that discomforts you, though. You don’t know how to feel about reentering the world you left so long ago, but from the other side this time.

It becomes a topic of frequent discussion in your sessions with Hotaru, and sometimes you discuss it with Hanbee outside of work as well. You come to find that while Hanbee’s reaction is what Hotaru refers to as "nice" – comforting, attentive, and gentle as always – hers is what she would call "kind." Never beating around the bush about anything, always being straight-forward with you about how it’s perfectly fine to not know how to feel about something, but that you shouldn’t shy away from it either, and come to a decision on how you want to deal with the feelings and emotions this brings up. From an outsider’s perspective, your relationship with your psychiatrist would seem unprofessional, but openness and frankness is the cornerstone of your relationship with her. After the first year, where she made you work for everything you accomplished, the give and take became more equal between you. She even opened up about her own past, though you know full well that you will never disclose what she told you to any living soul.

Your thoughts stop wandering when Hanbee goes into a thorough but impersonal explanation of Big Madam and her likely connection to Nutcracker. Given the way most people think you should feel about the woman you still sometimes refer to as Mama – though, when you think "mother," Mrs. Shinohara’s face comes to mind – it’s better this way. No-one can criticize you for not holding a grudge if you never say that you don’t. As for the investigation, cooperating with Division II makes your right leg ache in ways you don’t want to think about, especially since the pain is simply a construct of your mind and not something you've ever felt in real life. Still, you bring it up to Hotaru, who assures you that it’s a perfectly normal and understandable reaction. Of course, she doesn’t stop at that. She never stops at simply comforting you; that’s Hanbee’s job. As the designated fiercely protective and yet completely neutral party in your life, she continues with saying that the last time you worked with Division II your life changed drastically, and not simply because you lost the majority of your right leg.

You lost a leg and almost lost a father, but gained a greater sense of yourself and a family in the process. It’s no small thing to be reminded of, so the way your mind reacted makes perfect sense, at least from a psychological point of view. It still hurts to remember that night, even three years later, but now you have a strong and sturdy support system to help you remember without losing yourself in the process. Leaving getting close to Nutcracker to the Quinx squad is something of another test of their abilities, but also gives your own squad time to make preparations for the possibility of infiltrating the auction. Things come to a head when Associate Special Class Washuu Matsuri (the eldest son of the director; his father Washuu Yoshitoki took command of the battle in the 20th Ward three years ago) summons you and Sasaki to talk about the investigation, and what you both plan to do with it. This time, you can’t avoid speaking about the investigation, and you thank whatever Gods exist that you know how to pretend to be unaffected.

You may hold no grudge, but that doesn’t mean you’re entirely comfortable with the whole thing. Of course, being able to get under Matsuri’s skin helps. You’ve come to regard him as cold and unfeeling, something quite like you used to be, though minus the influence of an incorrectly functioning brain. When Matsuri states that he’s willing to throw Mutsuki away, even if not in so many words, you find something like fierce protectiveness welling up inside of you. Unbidden, your mind goes to Rei before she became Mama’s best little killing pet, and you know with sick certainty that Mutsuki wouldn’t be able to last in a world like that. Not alone, anyway, which is half of what prompts you to cut off Sasaki’s insistence that he go with Mutsuki. The rest is not wanting Sasaki to be eaten alive by the ruthless Associate Special Class you’ve had the displeasure of working with a few times. Requesting to participate in the infiltration both off-balances Matsuri, and takes the heat off of Sasaki’s protests.

Good, just as you’d hoped. Offering to be just another person to "fuck over the place from the inside out" is your way of being deceptively solicitous and protective of Mutsuki at the same time. It also lets Sasaki know that Mutsuki won’t be alone. Matsuri tries to throw you off by insinuating that you’ll have to wear a disguise as well, but he’s in for a surprise. You’re certainly used to the disguise part, but outside of work you dress based on how you feel for the day, and sometimes that means in women’s clothing. Genderfluidity is perfectly valid, after all, and doesn’t mean anything other than that sometimes you feel feminine rather than masculine. You still identify as male/use male pronouns, but you also still look damn good in skirts and dresses. The door opening cuts short your victory, however, and allows Akira, Hirako, and Shimoguchi into the meeting room. Everything from there on is cold and professional, and it grates on your nerves to the point that you don’t even spare anyone a good-bye when you’re all dismissed.

You won’t admit it, but knowing you’ll be working with Akira again hurts in a way that you know you’ll need to bring up with your psychiatrist. Sasaki chases after you, thanking you for your support, and requesting that you look after Mutsuki. It won’t be a problem and you tell him so; you see a lot of yourself when you were a child in Mutsuki, though you don’t say it. Before Big Madam molded you into Rei, you were much like Mutsuki is now – afraid of your abilities, jumping at shadows, timid and unsure. You want to guide him the way that Shinohara guided you, before he has the chance to become what you became under the cruel ministrations of Fate. You just hope, for both Mutsuki and Sasaki’s sake, that you can succeed. When Sasaki turns his attention to Shimoguchi, and Akira arrives, you leave quickly; Hotaru is always happy to pencil you in for an emergency appointment, or to talk about things over the phone if need be, and right now you feel like it _is_ needed.

A visit to Shinohara, and later to see your "mother," might also be in order. As helpful as Hotaru is, sometimes you just want to talk without needing to work through things immediately, and your "parents" have always been good for that (reasons completely aside). While visiting your "father," in the quiet of the hospital room you talk about the infiltration and your feelings regarding it, but you also talk about Hanbee. While there, as you talk, you work on folding your testament into a paper airplane again. It’s become something like your tradition because you still can’t find the words, even though you have so many people in your life now. Before leaving, you make your way up to the roof of the hospital to sail the paper off. As always, Hanbee’s waiting for you outside Shinohara’s room. Sometimes he comes in with you, but not always, still feeling like he’s intruding though you keep telling him he isn’t. The first of the two weeks leading up to the auction is relatively quiet, but the second is when things begin to get interesting.

You’re tasked to train Mutsuki, and honestly, you don’t mind it. Mutsuki approaches you for his first lesson while you and Hanbee are having coffee and talking about the auction. You have your reservations, but you hope that training Mutsuki will help at least a bit. Commenting that looking after people is troublesome is just your way of thanking both Hanbee and Shinohara without actually saying it, as you know just how troublesome you were and can still be. It’s during your conversation that Mutsuki approaches you, and your focus shifts immediately. It may sound harsh, the way you blow off Hanbee so coolly, but it’s your way of reminding him of the one iron-clad rule you have, the one condition to your relationship outside of the CCG. Work comes first, and you refuse to treat him any differently despite the change in circumstances between you. Of course, knowing Hanbee, he understands your intentions and doesn’t feel hurt by your words.

As for working with Mutsuki, he proves to be exactly as your first impression made him out to be: afraid of his abilities, jumping at shadows, timid and unsure. You paraphrase Shinohara’s words about fear, hoping that they will give Mutsuki some confidence, as you show him how to work with knives. You teach him the "rules" about using a blade, both somewhat amused and annoyed by just how fearful he is when it comes to improving his dexterity with them. But, regardless of what happens, you’ve imparted to him what you can. Now it’s up to Mutsuki to make it work, however he can. The week passes quickly, full mostly of last minute preparations, and sooner than you expected November the 11th arrives. Hanbee does your make-up, as you know he has a steadier hand than you do at times like these; you feel both his support and his worry in each of his movements. He knows how capable you are, but the feelings between you will never let him not worry.

Gently fastening a black velvet choker at your throat (which has the bell from your childhood attached, a gift he gave to you on your last birthday) is his way of swearing to trust you, even if it makes him worry. You don’t kiss him goodbye, you don’t reassure him, but you hope that he understands what you won’t say. In the car with Mutsuki, you recognize the gas designed to put you to sleep immediately, so you’re nowhere near as disoriented as your companion is likely to be. Waiting is boring, especially inside a crate like livestock, but it gives you the chance to do some last-minute checks of your prosthetic and of Scorpion. Finally, the "master of ceremonies" announces that the next item is up – you. _Highly priced_ , they call you. _An incredibly beautiful girl_ , they say. Three years ago, you would have gone off the rails in fury. Now, you play along as much as you need to, to get the job done. Oddly, it doesn’t remind you of being Rei, but it does remind you of the first time Hotaru called you pretty.

Focusing on your task at hand, a small smirk curls your lips at the way the audience reacts. _White skin and big eyes_ , they say in awe. _She’s almost like a doll_ , they praise you, unknowing that you are their angel of death. While you wonder just how much you would have sold for (higher than Mucchan?) this is starting to get boring. You vault up onto the cabinet in the middle of the stage, snap open your prosthetic, and begin to pepper the closest ghouls with Scorpion. As those in attendance run screaming, you hear that they recognize among the din, and it makes you grin. Eyes on you make you look up, and you see Big Madam. With adrenaline coursing through your veins, however, you don’t feel anything other than a rush of anticipation at being able to fight her. You give the signal over the radio, and take off after your former foster mother; Hanbee and the rest of your squad will be here soon to back you up. Matsuri goes over the plan via the radio again, but you ignore him.

You don’t need the reminder. However, your path to Big Madam is blocked by the appearance of a ghoul ready to fight you. You recognize him as Black Rabbit, but will never learn that his name is Kirishima Ayato. It’s annoying, but at least it’ll get you warmed up for the real action later. Hearing Matsuri’s commands over the radio is annoying, but easy enough to ignore; shutting off or disabling the communication device would get you in trouble later, and that would be even more annoying. While Scorpion is useful and has endeared itself to you over the years, you’ll always prefer Jason, as Scorpion leaves you at something of a disadvantage despite how skilled you are with it. As you get rid of your irksome wig, you can’t help but note that Hanbee had better hurry up. You retreat when you get the chance, not wanting to use all of Scorpion just yet, and to keep your promise to Sasaki. You spare only a moment’s thought to your now torn and bloodied dress; you can buy a new one, even if it's somewhat annoying.

There are more important things to focus on, like Big Madam and Mucchan. Though now really isn’t the time to think about it, it still amuses you that most people wouldn’t be able to be as agile as you are in a dress and heels, let alone combine agility with stealth. You catch up with the group, but as there are quite a few of them, you’ll need to wait for Hanbee. You think that Urie and Mucchan are the reinforcements you want, but even if they aren’t, you determine that they can help as well. Of course, then you realize that you’ve dropped the stupid ear piece transmitter, but decide that it can’t be helped. You ask Urie and Mucchan if one of them can contact HQ. Urie’s response is that they can’t, that the signal won’t reach. You get the distinct feeling that he’s lying, but figure that for now you’ll let it slide. Though it’s just the three of you, a bunch of mundane ghouls will be easy, even if the guards are Aoigiri. While taking care of the easy pickings, you decide this is a better warm up than fighting Black Rabbit, and surprisingly fun despite fighting in a dress and heels.

For a moment you consider at least salvaging the shoes, since they’re pretty cute, before deciding that you don’t want to keep anything from this outfit. Then Mucchan gets attacked but fights back, Urie pulls out his kagune, and things start getting really interesting. While keeping an eye on Urie to make sure he doesn’t go berserk, you also spot the direction Big Madam is fleeing, which you inform him of. Urie’s not the ally you would have picked for this, but he’s what you’ve got, so you’ll make the best of him. Apparently, Mucchan noticed as well, but your focus is on Urie when he charges in recklessly. For a moment, you wonder if this were how Shinohara felt whenever you went off the rails in a fight, but quickly shove those thoughts aside. You can contemplate the similarities of your position later; for now, you have an idiot Rank II to save. By the time you manage to even get over to where he’s being so stupid, he’s already pretty battered.

And then Big Madam’s fucking swallowing him whole, and Mucchan’s fighting Big Madam’s guards head-on (if not very well), and things are suddenly far more chaotic than you thought they were going to turn out. Then Urie breaks free, and you begin to wonder if you underestimated his ability to back up his brash stupidity. Of course, then Urie proceeds to lose his mind, get bitch slapped by Big Madam, and then end up being calmed down by Mucchan. For once in your life, Fate decides to throw you a bone; Hanbee and the rest of your squad arrive just then, and Jason is finally back in your hands. You briefly wonder what everyone else thinks when you greet Big Madam as "Mama," as only Hanbee knows of your "relation" to her, but decide that it doesn’t matter. What does, is doing your job. And for the moment, that’s chasing Big Madam down the length of the underground hall, while she alternates between screaming obscenities at you and attempting to use guilt to sway you back under her control.

It’s all quite annoying, really, but you’re now in a place where annoyance doesn’t make you go off the rails. Over the years, you’ve come to learn how to use annoyance in far better ways than the younger version of you did. As she switches back and forth between calling you Juuzou and Rei, you give your squad a signal for a particular set of coordinated attacks, and they execute them as flawlessly as you knew they would. Perhaps it shouldn’t surprise you that there’s a lack of his usual remorse in Hanbee’s actions, since he always did let emotions sway him, even as he gained confidence and skill. A part of you – the part that isn’t focused on doing your job – can’t help but feel warm at he thought, even as you slice off Big Madam’s bikaku kagune at the base. Cornering her, it gives you a moment to survey her. She terrified you as a child, haunted your nightmares, but maybe you still loved her in your own way. Though, it could hardly have been called love, since you barely even understood the definition of the word back then.

It took you effectively losing your pseudo-father to really understand what love was, after all. Big Madam cowers, promising you whatever you want if you don’t kill her. It hurts in a way you didn’t expect, in a way that you can’t describe. She never gave you anything, nothing but scars, and you tell her so. You continue to tell her that despite the feelings of those around you on the matter, of the few that know, you don’t hold any sort of grudge against her. You don’t hate her, you don’t love her, you don’t feel anything for her. Then she starts screaming at you, that you’re a stupid and ungrateful brat, that she only kept you for your looks and because you were easy to mold into whatever she wanted. That you shouldn’t get the wrong idea, but before she can finish screaming that she never loved you, Nakarai, Tamaki, and Mikage are moving in for the kill. Hanbee has his hands over your ears, to shield you, but he doesn’t stop there.

He says you wouldn’t have wanted to hear it. He holds you close, keeps you from losing yourself, keeps you from allowing her to get to you, keeps you grounded. For the moment, you don’t even care that this breaks your rule. You don’t know how you feel, but something aches inside of you, and you don’t know why. Hanbee has been your anchor for the past two years, and even without touching him, without responding to his embrace, you allow him to ground you. You can feel yourself starting to shake, possibly from mental/emotional exhaustion and strain, but Hanbee shields you from gazes that you wouldn’t want to see you like this. Clean up isn’t something you help with this time, either; until you’re given leave to depart, you find yourself and your squad outside the building, watching things happen. Investigators stagger out of the auction theater, those already outside desperately watching for friends to emerge.

Squad leaders clutch their radios and shout, trying to contact their separated subordinates. Only professionals are allowed to retrieve the wounded, as hurt people have to be handled in specfic ways to avoid causing more damage. Stretchers come and go from the building as the medics cart the wounded to a special area, and line up those in critical condition in preparation for the next ambulance; for now, the dead are left where they lie. Investigators with no one to wait for start to harvest kakuhous and put them in coolers, while Division II masterminds stroll around now that the danger is gone, already planning the CCG’s next move. A few people cry, but mostly everyone right now is numb. Finally, the raid is formally closed, and everyone goes home to wash off the blood. You’re no exception, aside from the fact that you don’t head to your own apartment. Instead, you head to Hanbee’s less tiny apartment – he at least has a separate bedroom, as opposed to your single living room/bedroom/kitchen – where you have some of your things stashed for emergencies.

There are always stacks of reports to file after a raid, but they can wait until morning. Only people like Urie actually get started on the paperwork tonight; everyone else is celebrating, mourning, or trying to process. You and Hanbee are an exception, or so you try to tell yourself, but it doesn’t ring true. Especially not when your hands are shaking, and you can’t even blame the Lithium because Hotaru had you stop taking it almost two years ago when you realized it compromised your ability to handle Jason and Scorpion. Dutifully, Hanbee murmurs comforting things as he gently removes your make-up, but doesn’t pry at all. In spite of your closeness, in spite of your relationship, he never pries – he leaves that to Hotaru, who suitably terrified him the first time they met – and though it sometimes annoys you, you find yourself grateful for it tonight. Tonight, you don’t want to process; tonight, you just want to be in the presence of someone who loves you unconditionally, someone who has never hurt you and likely never will.

Even if he tried, he couldn’t, but it hurts to think about, so you stop immediately. A shower is in order, but when you only succeed at standing there numbly under the spray for half an hour, it becomes clear that you’re going to be completely numb for the rest of the night. You don’t know why you’re reacting this way, really, but you can’t find it in yourself to be annoyed. Maybe Hotaru would know why you’re reacting this way, but you certainly don’t. Eventually, after hours of mentally exhausting yourself, sleep finally comes to you. When you do finally pass out near dawn, it’s curled against Hanbee’s chest, as if he could shield you from the world.


End file.
